Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services: —-

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
–
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled
Proceeds will be used to cripple children. —

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight:’Searching for Jesus.’
—
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
–
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
—
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
–
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
—
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
–
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
—
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
—
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
—
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
—
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
–
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
—
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
—
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
—
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
–
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
–
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
—
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
–
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up ;–

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last
Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’